The Deepest Depression I’ve Ever Known – What My Bipolar Lows Actually Felt Like
Bipolar depression is often more severe and differs in character from uni-polar depression. For me, it was frequently being unable to function even at a basic level. Coupled with that was a complete loss of meaning and purpose, together with periodic suicidal ideations.
The Onset and Progression of Bipolar Depression
My introduction to bipolar depression began randomly in my early teens. I knew there was something distinct about that occurrence because the signs differed, in both intensity and duration, (it lasted for about two weeks) than the common bouts of melancholy most teenagers experience due to hormonal changes or failing to achieve a goal. Unlike the “blue” periods I had from time to time, that episode was marked by extreme sadness, loneliness, and despair for no apparent reason at all. No matter what I tried, I was unable to shake it. Any sense of self worth I may have had prior to that incident totally vanished.
As I grew into adulthood, depressive episodes, (my stronger pole), were followed by hypo-manic ones. The following examples may help illustrate my foray’s into bipolar depression.
One day while I was groveling in the sewer of a severe bout with depression, my thoughts kept reminding me of what a hopeless failure I was. As a result, I spent a lot of time uncharacteristically crying.
On another occasion I found myself aimlessly driving around for hours, until by chance, I pulled into a mall’s parking garage. As I entered the mall, I was greeted by an onslaught of shoppers that swept me along until I was so tired and disoriented that I had to sit down. As I did so, I searched my mind for some semblance of self-identity, but all I found was an empty shell of the man I used to be.
At other times it felt like I was encapsulated by invisible walls that kept me isolated and disconnected from the outside world. Time hardly seemed to move. One minute felt like an hour and an hour like a day. I was conscious of my surroundings, but the “invisible walls” prevented me from connecting with anyone.
I tried using logic, positive thinking, and other techniques to brake loose of that state. “All you need to do”, I told myself, “is be a man, pull yourself up by your “bootstraps”, and get on with life. But nothing worked. My most valiant efforts were simply exercises in futility compared to the power that held me captive. The only thing that offered even a modicum of relief was when I was engaged in my work as an actor / dancer, expressing myself through painting and writing, or loosing myself while listening to calm, beautiful music.
What Did Work
1) Referrals
One afternoon after listening to my story, a friend of mine, (who also happened to be bipolar) offered to schedule an appointment for me to see her doctor who specialized in mood disorders.
Unlike the doctors I’d seen in the past, I was first given a plethora of forms to fill out detailing my past and present physical health, family background, a history of my symptoms and when they began. Then, after conducting an extensive examination, the doctor diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder, Type 2. He continued by outlining an aggressive treatment plan consisting of medications that would balance my brains bio-chemistry and reduce the severity of my episodes. He also scheduled periodic blood tests and required that I keep every appointment I made with him.
2) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. (CBT)
I’ve mentioned this in previous posts, but because it was so critical when dealing with my disorder, it’s worth repeating.
Although the medications were effectively reducing my episodes, my cognitive and behavioral state were far from optimal. Years of living with bipolar depression had conditioned me to think negatively. My world and life view were predominantly pessimistic and cynical. Somehow I knew that medication alone was not going to resolve those matters, so, based on my doctor’s counsel – I sought out and found a therapist who had successfully treated people with bipolar disorder.
Sitting in the waiting room before my first appointment, I shifted and squirmed nervously in my seat wondering if this therapist would help me, or if this was going to be an exercise in futility and a waste of time and money.
When the door to his office opened, a middle aged man greeted me. “Hello, my name is Frank”, he said, ushering me into his office. Uncertain as to where to begin, I peppered Frank with a multitude of questions. His manner was composed and self assured as he answered my questions. Tension subsided – I relaxed – and by the end of the session I was confident he’d be able to help me.
His perception and relaxed style were reassuring and comforting, and I appreciated his propensity to guide rather than pontificate.
During the five years I spent with Frank I gained new insight and cognitive skill with which to confront life’s issues and that led to behavioral changes.
Problems did not disappear overnight – quite the contrary. I tripped, stumbled and made numerous mistakes along the way. But with the tools I now had at my disposal, together with a lot hard work, I gradually underwent a metamorphosis.
3) Bipolar Support Groups
One of the benefits of attending a bipolar support group was the growing awareness that bipolar depression was a treatable, controllable, condition. That alone provided me with the hope that stability was achievable.
I made other interesting discoveries on my journey towards wellness by attending support groups. The following are a few examples;
It was comforting to know that I was not alone in my struggles to overcome my disorder.
- I had the freedom to honestly express my innermost thoughts and feelings without shame, embarrassment, or criticism whichwas truly liberating.
- Listening to others explain how they effectively handled guilt, negative thinking, isolating themselves, and the stigma they encountered was enlightening.
- I also learned what stifled others from achieving wellness. Thinking of themselves as victims and engaging in perpetual self pity parties without taking advantage of the practical strategies used by others was a major one.
Treatment for bipolar depression is not a one size fits all proposition. But the chances of becoming a functional human being is greater when one uses all the therapeutic means that are available today.
Practical Strategies I’ve Used to Prevent or Shorten Depressive Episodes
Establish specific short term goals, like the following;
1) For at least three weeks, try using an alarm clock to wake up at the same time every day whether you feel like it or not. Why? Because it takes twenty one days to create or break a habit.
2) Eliminate unhealthy foods (containing high carbs, or sugar) for a month, then evaluate how it made you feel physically and make adjustments accordingly.
3) Try engaging in some form of self-expression, such as drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, etc. This will add a positive dimension to your life.
4) Caring for something or someone other than yourself, which may include another person, an animal, or volunteering for a worthy organization. Doing that will divert attention away from your disorder and give you a sense of purpose. It will also promote your worth as a person.
5) Practice replacing negative self talk with positive constructive thoughts. Rather than telling yourself “I can’t do that” try saying “I’ll attempt to do that”, then reinforce that notion by thinking of things you’ve done in the past that you never thought you could do.
Hope for the Future
The balance and productivity I enjoy today, demonstrates that stability and wellness from bipolar depression is achievable. It’s not so much a matter of “will power” but how much you really want to attain stability and control over your life and what you are willing to do about it.
Let me assure anyone reading this post that the pain and despair you may experience during a bipolar episode is understandable, it makes sense, but it is also survivable.
If you would like to talk with me about what you, or someone you know, are going through, I welcome emails through my contact page. I personally respond to each contact.
Alan Lantieri is an award-winning author whose deeply personal works include Dancing on the Edge: A Personal and Visual Odyssey Through Manic Depression and Divine Restoration: Life After Manic Depression. A graduate of Reformed Episcopal Seminary, Lantieri established himself in sales and marketing before receiving a bipolar disorder diagnosis in 1992. Through dedicated treatment and time, he successfully managed his condition and transformed his experience into a calling to help others.
This journey led him to become a certified mental health rehabilitation specialist at the David Lawrence Mental Health Center in Naples, Florida, where he devoted himself to supporting individuals facing similar challenges. His expertise and compelling personal story made him a sought-after speaker at NAMI conferences, including the organization's 2004 national convention in Washington, DC.
The author of this post is clearly one who has experienced what he is talking about. I appreciate the honesty, openess, and help to others walking a similar same path.